


A Song of Dice and Fire

by Wontkins



Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game), Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Gen, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-21
Updated: 2015-04-21
Packaged: 2018-03-25 04:26:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3796645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wontkins/pseuds/Wontkins
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Game of Thrones was created in the minds of a group playing Dungeons and Dragons?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Forming the Group

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the webcomics DM of the Rings and Darths and Droids.
> 
> Cast:
> 
>   * George: the guy who runs the game. He and tries to stay as unbiased as possible to keep the rules in balance and the players on track. He writes the story, but often what he intends to happen doesn’t survive his players' interventions.
>   * Leon: only played D&D in high school, but is now getting back into it because he’s a total hipster.
>   * Sean & Julia: a married couple and old hats at tabletop gaming.
>   * Mary: the new person in the group. She’s not much of a nerd overall, but she likes to hang out with George.
> 

> 
> I’ve attempted to keep things understandable for anyone unfamiliar with Dungeons and Dragons. But please leave a comment if you don’t understand something.
> 
>  

Email from: George  
To: Leon  
Mary and her friends Sean and Julia are visiting us this weekend. We're gonna play a homebrew game of Dungeons and Dragons. There's only 3 players so far and I'm GM-ing. Would you like to play?

From: Leon  
To: George  
Sure man, sounds fun. That D&D episode of Community was fucking hilarious. I can’t wait!  
      
From: George  
To: Leon  
CC: DnD group  
Cool. Here's a quick rulebook if you want to glance at it, along with some house rules I’ve designed, and a story to explain the campaign setting. Don't worry, I'm not asking you to do much work. All that stuff is optional. Just pick out a pre-made character from the back of the book so we can get playin’ ASAP. The Ranger is already chosen by another player, but the other classes are available (classes are like jobs, and determine what abilities you have). The party is starting as a military order sworn to fight barbarians and ice zombies.  
[3 files attached]  
      
From: Leon  
To: George  
Cool. Beats the cliché of meeting up in some tavern. I'll take the Ranger.

 

* * *

 

GM: “Greetings, adventurers. I am your Game Master, George. We’re going to be playing in a universe I’ve been using for decades. It’s low-magic medieval fantasy, and I like to stress how gritty and grim it can be. There’s a lot of backstory. Dozens of other players have made their mark in this world, and now it’s your turn. But don’t worry too much about all that. Let’s roll some dice and just have fun!”

SEAN: “Dude, that binder is as big as an encyclopedia.”

GM: “That’s all my world notes.”

MARY: “So how does this work?”

GM: “This is collaborative storytelling. Kind of like improve comedy. I describe the situation, and your choices determines the outcome, with some randomness throne in from the dice. I try to referee to make sure everyone has fun.”  
      
SEAN: “Ever watch Big Bang Theory? They play it on that show sometimes”

GM: “Let’s get started. You’re all members of the Night’s Watch…”

JULIA: “Should we wait for Leon?”

GM: “Naw, he can jump in whenever, shouldn’t be a problem. So the Night’s Watch. You live in a castle and guard a huge-ass wall of ice that keeps out all the monsters from invading the civilized lands. The three of you have been sent beyond the Wall to investigate rumors of barbarians in middle of the Ghost Woods. Go ahead and describe your characters to each other.”

JULIA: “I am Waymar Royce the knight. I’m very handsome and everyone loves me.”

MARY: “What? I don’t. Game Master, do I have to love Julia?

GM: “No. You’re free to make your own decisions. And please use character names instead of player names. It’s called staying in character.”

MARY: “Okay. I’m Will the rogue. My face…”

JULIA: “What kind of dumb fantasy name is Will? Is it at least spelled with a ‘y’?”

MARY: “…No?”

GM: “Go easy on her, she’s never played before. Mary can name her character whatever she wants. Let’s try to be more inclusive to the less nerdy players.”

SEAN: “Okay! I’m Gared the ranger! And I’m all old and grizzled. Lost me ears and several digits to the frost, but it don’t slow me down none. I am a badass motherfucker.”

GM: “Nice. I like the voice. Gain 5 experience points.”

WAYMAR: “I seduce Gared.”

WILL: “I’ve got Pickpocket as a skill. Can I steal all of Julia’s money?”

GM: Sigh. “Great start, ladies. That’s not really how this works. If you fight against each other we’ll never get anything done. This should be fun for everyone, so don’t take your fun at the expense of someone else.”

GARED: “Sooo… wildlings? Haunted Forest? We go do that.”

GM: “Barbarians. In the Ghost Woods. But that’s okay. Ahem. You’re following the trail of several barbarians through the snow. Give me a perception check. Roll the dice and add you perception skill.”

GARED: “4!”

WAYMAR: “7.”

WILL: “uh… 13? I think?”

GM: “Will, you see tracks from a strange creature. You’re not sure if they’re animal or human. They lead away from the barbarian trail.”

WILL: “I don’t know what I’m doing. Will follows the tracks?”

JULIA: “Don’t split the party! It’s the first rule of Dungeons and Dragons!”

GM: “Try not to metagame, Julia. Stay in character.”

WAYMAR: “Fine. I’m the leader here, and I say we ALL follow the wildling trail.”

GARED: “Who put you in charge? My character has way more experience than you! I wrote his whole backstory!”

GM: “Will, while Gared and the knight are arguing you have a chance to sneak away. Make a stealth roll vs their passive awareness.”

WILL: “13 again!”

GARED & WAYMAR: “12.”

GM: “Gared and Waymar, you look around and can’t find Will.”

SEAN: “You’re going to die.”

WILL: “I can’t hear you! Hahaha!”

GM: “Will, you follow the strange tracks to a clearing. It’s a macabre scene. Human body parts are placed on the ground in some kind of symbol. They’ve been here long enough that they’re frozen solid.”

SEAN: “Loot their bodies, Mary!”

GM: Narrows eyes.

WILL: “What the hell? No. I scream and run away. Do I have to roll for that?”

GM: “No, but when you turn around you see a little girl impaled on a tree. Her dead eyes are staring right at you.”

WILL: “I run away. Again. Harder.”

SEAN: “Clever girl.”

GM: “Alright, let’s cut back to you two. What are you doing now?”

WAYMAR: “I run towards Will, with my weapon drawn.”

GM: “You don’t know where Will is, nor that he’s in trouble. Also, you know better than to run with a blade in your hand.”

GARED: “I tie up the horses so we can start searching for our lost rogue.”

GM: “Will suddenly comes running back, out of breath and wide-eyed.”

WILL: “Guys there’s a bunch of dead people over there.”

WAYMAR: “Yeah, we’re hunting wildlings, remember. They’re savages. Let’s go find them and kill them.”

GM: “They’re BARBARIANS. Why is that so hard to remember? What the fuck is a Wildling?”

JULIA: “Barbarians. OK, got it.”

GARED: “We should head back to the Wall and wait for Leon’s character.”

WAYMAR: “Do the dead frighten you? I thought you were a badass?”

GARED: “Our orders were to find the wildlings. I’d say we found them.”

WAYMAR: “So they just fell asleep and froze to death?”

GARED: “He said they were chopped into pieces. Stop texting and pay attention.”

WILL: “Something killed the wildlings. Even the children.”

GM: “Oh I give up. I’m making a note that they’re called wildlings now.”

WAYMAR: “Well it’s a good thing we’re not children. I’m not going back to the castle empty-handed, that’s embarrassing.”

WILL: “We don’t have to go back to the castle. Let’s go somewhere else where there’s not a bunch of gross bodies or creepy forests.”

GM: “Okay, I should tell you that the Night’s Watch beheads deserters. So quitting is not really an option. Also I need to warn you all about balance. I don’t balance monster encounters to your character level. It avoids metagaming. So sometimes it will be better to retreat, surrender, or talk your way out of a fight. Just a heads up.”

WAYMAR: “Gotchya. Well, let’s go search the bodies for clues.”

GARED: “And loot!”

GM: “You travel the short distance to the clearing where Will found the bodies. But when you get there you find nothing, not even any bloody snow.”

WAYMAR: “There’s nobody here. I mean NO BODY! Get it?”

WILL: “I punch him.”

GARED: “Let’s search to find where they were taken.”

GM: “Awareness rolls with the Notice specialty.”

GARED: “8.”

WAYMAR. “Shit. 1.”

SEAN: “Julia just rolled a critical failure, Mary. Bad stuff usually happens when you roll a 1.”

MARY: “Okay thanks.”

GM: “Gared, you find some frozen bloody pieces of something. When you hold it up to try to identify it you can see something moving behind Ser Waymar. Something dark with glowing blue eyes.”

SEAN: “It’s got biotics!”

JULIA: “It’s probably X-Ray vision.”

GM: “You guys are bunch a nerds. The Other attacks, roll for initiative.”

SEAN: “What’s an Other?”

JULIA: “The guys from Lost. Gasp! Are we playing a Lost RPG?”

MARY: “Initiative?”

GM: “It determines the turn order. Are there Others in Lost? Sorry, I don’t watch that show. Well, let’s call them something else so we don’t get confused. This is like an ice elf that makes ice zombies. I think White Walkers will be fitting.”

SEAN: “Is this game going to be all winter-themed or something?”

MARY: “You just added ‘white’ to the walkers from Walking Dead, didn’t you?”

GM: “Waymar, initiative.”

WAYMAR: Rolls. “Fuuuck.”

MARY: “What?”

SEAN: “She rolled a 1.”

GM: Rolls. “Natural 20! Critical hit! …Oh, shoot.”

JULIA: “What? How much damage does it do?”

GM: “15.”

JULIA: “My health is 12.”

SEAN: “Oh noes! Babe, I’m sorry.”

GM: “Will, you’re searching the frozen ground when you hear Gared scream in pain. The horses get spooked and run away.”

WILL: “I think they have the right idea.”

JULIA: “Hey wait. George, why did you kill me?”

GM: “I didn’t kill you. The dice did.”

LEON: “Hey guys! You start already? What’d I miss?”

JULIA: “I’m dead!”

LEON: “Already?”

GM: “Okay Leon, let’s jump in. Get your character sheet out. Will, suddenly you see another ranger riding up towards you, sword drawn…”

LEON: “Uh… guess what?”

GM: narrows eyes. “What?”

LEON: “I forgot my character sheet.”

ALL EXCEPT LEON: “What?!”

GM: “Alright, we can adapt. Wanna play a wight?”

LEON: “What’s a white?”

GM: “It’s basically an ice zombie. Here’s your statblock. You’re fighting Mary.”

MARY: “Wait, what?”

JULIA: “Hey, I want to play a wight too!”

GM: “Ok, that sure, whatever you think will be fun. I feel bad that you died anyways. Do you mind sharing the sheet with Leon? Great. Gared, you drop the frozen whatever bits you’re holding and see Ser Waymar Royce die and rise again, his eyes glowing a supernatural blue just like the White Walker.”

LEON: “What’s a Wight Walker?”

GM: “This is what happens when you’re late. You’re buying pizza next time.”

WILL: “Wait what about me?”

GM: “Right. Will and Leon, roll attacks against each other.”

WILL: “Do I have to attack? Can’t I retreat?”

GM: “Uh, sure. Actually that’s probably a good idea at this point.”

GARED: “Coward!”

GM: “Gared, two attacks on you from the reanimated Waymar and the White Walker. 10 and 12 to your Combat Defense.”

GARED: “CD 9. How much damage do I take?”

GM: “Julia, gimme a roll. …Okay, that’s 10 total damage.”

MARY: “What’s your health?”

GARED: “15.”

GM: “Your turn to attack.”

GARED: “I run.”

JULIA: high-fives Leon. “Yay! We did it!”

Will: “Who’s the coward now?”

GM: “Will and Gared, you’re being chased through the woods by the ice monsters. You hear them communicating to each other, but their language sounds more like ice cracking. Roll endurance checks.”

WILL: “3.”

GM: “Will stops running, out of breath and holding his side. He looks behind him to see Gared, and behind him the White Walker.”

SEAN: Takes out phone. “Hang on, I gotta take this.”

LEON: “Aw, come on!”

GM: “You know my rule about phones at the table.”

SEAN: walks away from the table.

GM: “Okay, his choice. Will, you see Gared frozen in terror as the monster grabs his head and raises its ice-sword. You have a moment to act before it lands its blow.”

WILL: grinning, “I watch.”

LEON: “Bahaha!”

JULIA: “Oh no.”

GM: “The creature separates Gared’s head from his body and tosses it towards you. I think that’s a good place to stop for today.”

LEON: “TPK on the first session. Nice, George. Reeal nice.”

MARY: “What’s a TPK?”

JULIA: “Something a mean GM does to players when he’s feeling abusive.”

GM: “Total Party Kill. It means everyone dies in one encounter. Usually it’s not supposed to happen. I warned you guys earlier. This is a gritty world and I’m not going to pull punches.”

SEAN: “Sorry about that. What’d I miss?”

GM’S POST-MORTEM NOTES: good thing I reduced the number of monsters to 1 instead of 5. I think that was still a fair enough fight if they had their shit together. Also it was mostly the dice. Maybe I should give them combat practice first before throwing an actual life or death situation at them. Meant for Gared to be the one to escape but ended up being Will.

 

* * *

 

From: George  
CC: DnD group  
Hey all,  
I must apologize for the way things went down last session. My bad. Honestly that wasn’t how I planned for it to go. I promise you that won’t happen all the time. PCs (Player Characters) die sometimes, otherwise there’d be no stakes, no risk. But I’m always trying to improve as your Game Master so I will take steps to ensure everyone has fun. That’s my top priority! If you’d like to keep playing (and I hope you do), email me back and I will work with you to create your own PC this time instead of using the weaker pregenerated characters. If you have any other suggestions or criticisms for the game I’m open to them too!  
    Secondly, I suggest we have backup characters in case our primary ones die or are otherwise incapacitated. It’s not immediately required, but just keep an eye out for anything interesting you may want to play. You can also take command of any NPCs you meet in-game.  
-Your friendly neighborhood Game Master.

From: Leon  
To: George  
Can I be barbarian class?

From: George  
To: Leon  
No, the only barbarians in the world are kept north of the Wall or on a different continent, and any found here are immediately executed. It would make working with the rest of the party very difficult. Also, barbarians are now called Wildlings.

From: Julia  
To: George  
I don’t HAVE to be the leader, but can I be like the next guy in line? So if something untoward happens to the PIC then I get to lead? Also I want to be the most handsome of the group, and all the ladies swoon at my feet. I want to try being a ranger, too. They get animal companions. It’ll compliment my animal magnetism.

From: Leon  
To: George  
How about Druid?

From: George  
To: Leon  
Sorry again. This is a low-magic setting, so most spellcasters are non-playable. There are a few druids in the world, but they’re rare and I’d like to keep their secrets until the party discovers them on quests and stuff.

From: Sean  
To: George  
Yeah, I’ve got a suggestion. Let’s go somewhere where it’s not all winter-wonderland. Night’s Watch sucks. I see in the book the greatsword does the most damage. Can I build a character to use that? It’s fine if I have to sacrifice Intrigue stats in order to use it. I’m not getting taken out by some dumb zombie again.  
PS you should give me a +1 magic sword to make up for killing me when I was away from the table XD.

From: George  
To: Sean  
Sure, dude. I think if would fit if you were lord of the house. You’ll need to use a resource to purchase the magic greatsword, but I’ll go over that technical stuff with you in person. Anyways, the lord of the house has some backstory already attached to it. I’m sending you some cliff notes for it. Feel free to alter it to your liking.  
[1 file attached]

From: Leon  
To: George  
Monk?

From: George  
To: Leon  
Really? They can’t use weapons. This is sword and shield medieval stuff. You want to fight a dragon without armor or weapons? Also, I’m having trouble thinking of how to fit them into the world. There’s not really any martial arts temples or anything like that. Every fighting style is weapon-based and there’s no asian-like culture. If you really want to play a monk, you can. But you’ll need to help me develop a whole new continent and culture for it.  
Might I suggest a Ranger or a Fighter?

From: Mary  
To: George  
I liked playing a rogue, so I’ll just stick with that. Also I already learned all the rules for it and I feel like I’m barely understanding what’s going on anyway. Can I be a girl this time or do we have to be dudes?

From: Leon  
To: George  
Man, whatever. Fighter then. We good?  
P.S.: would you print out my character sheet for me so I don’t forget it next time? k thx bye

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Technical note: the game system used in the story is an altered version of normal D&D. The GM's custom rules mirror the Song of Ice and Fire roleplaying game by Green Ronin. I use whatever mechanic I think will make the story flow better, since the prose itself isn’t concerned with game balance.


	2. Meet the Starks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Settling into their new characters and the GM's little brother joins the group.

GM: “Good news, everyone! We’re getting a new player. My little brother will be joining us today.”

LEON, VIA TEXT MESSAGE TO GEORGE: “WTF? U babysitting? He can’t he go play Minecraft or something? First girls in the group and now a kid?”

GM: “Todd, say hi.”

TODD: “Hi.”

GEORGE, VIA TEXT TO LEON: “No txting during game plz, unless its a character secret.”  
LEON’S REPLY: “Character secret: UR A DICK”

GM: “Did you pick a class yet?”

TODD: “No.”

GM: “Well… I guess you can play with just base human stats for now until you decide. You just won’t be good at combat. Or intrigue. …or warfare. So avoid those things. Just try not to get killed.”

TODD: “Kay.”

LEON: “Oh, good advice. Is that what we’ve been doing wrong?”

GM: “Har har. Let’s get started. Welcome back to the world of Westeros.”

JULIA: “Westeros?”

GM: “That’s the continent we’re on.”

SEAN: “So what’s east?”

GM: “Essos.”

JULIA: “Ooh, what goes on there?”

LEON: “Haha! Your names suck, homie. What’s south, Southos?”

GM: “Let’s focus. Everyone’s got their new characters, yes? You’ll notice you’re all part of the same family, House Stark. Your family rules the realm of the North…”

LEON: snort.

GM: “…You rule the North from castle Winterfell. We join everyone in the courtyard of the castle. Would you like to describe your characters, please? Todd, let’s start with you.”

TODD: “I’m a boy.”

GM: “Don’t be shy. It’s just like last campaign, but with new people. What’s your character name?”

TODD: “Tony Stark.”

GM: “Nooope.”

TODD: “Tony Hawk?”

GM: narrows eyes.

TODD: “…Brandon Stark?”

MARY: “Cool, we’ll call you Bran.” Smiles.

LEON: “Cuz he makes you stay regular? Sorry, dumb joke. Okay, I’m Jon Snow, I’m a fighter.”

MARY: “I thought we were all Starks?”

GM: “Snow is a bastard name. He is illegitimate. The surnames are localized. Since the North is cold, the bastards are called Snow.”

MARY: “How many areas are there?”

GM: “In Westeros, seven. Well, technically nine, plus the stuff beyond the Wall. But mainly seven.” Shakes head. “Back to Jon.”

JON: “I’m done.”

SEAN: “C’mon, man. You gotta have more personality than that.”

JON: “Uh… yeah, sure. I’ve got a cry-barf face.”

JULIA: “A what?!”

JON: “You know, one of those faces that looks like at any moment he’s either gonna cry or barf. Like Beaver in Veronica Mars.”

GM: “That’ll do. Julia?”

JULIA: “I’m Robb Stark, heir to Winterfell. I was named after the King.”

SEAN: “Wasn’t I king?”

GM: “You’re warden of the North. The King is king of all seven kingdoms.”

MARY: “The kingdoms don’t have their own kings? I’m so lost.”

LEON: “Your game world makes no sense.”

GM: “That’s what happens when players like you guys run roughshod all over my game world. This one player last campaign just had to rule everything. Don’t worry, you’ll meet him. Is Julia the only one who read the setting story I sent you guys?”

LEON: “You sent us setting notes?”

GM: “Well let’s go to Sean then. Go ahead.”

SEAN: Stands up. “I AM EDDARD STARK, LORD OF WINTERFELL, AND WARDEN OF THE NORTH! I HAVE A GIANT +1 GREATSWORD OF DOOM AND I’M BADASS PALADIN, MOTHERFUCKERS!”

MARY: “Plus one?”

GM: “It means he adds 1 to all his attack rolls, due to the enchantment on the sword.

LEON: “Hey why does he get a magic weapon?”

GM: “It’s my way to apologize for killing him when he was away from the table. I was admittedly being a bit vindictive.”

TODD: “Neddard isn’t a real name.”

NEDDARD: “What? No! EDDARD! LORD Eddard to you, peasant!”

GM: “That’s your son.”

MARY: “Imma call you Ned.”

NED: “Damnit.”

JULIA: “Janet.”

GM: “Stop that. Focus. What do you look like?”

NED: “007.” Strikes a pose with a finger-gun.

ALL: lol

NED: “Alright, how about 006, then?”

GM: “That works.”

JULIA: “So you’re a paladin. You’re not gonna force us into any Lawful-Stupid corners, are you?”

NED: “Naw, I follow the Old Gods. They’re brutal as shit. It’s gonna be cool. We gonna beat ass, babe.” Fist bumps Julia.

GM: “Okay, Robb and Jon are helping Bran learn to shoot a bow in the armsyard. It’s not going well.”

BRAN: “Why not?”

GM: “Because pick a class, bro.”

JON: “Go on, your parents are watching. You can do it.”

GM: “Nice, Leon. Take 5 xp. Bran, make your next shot with advantage.”

MARY: “My turn!”

GM: “Eh… you’re …not there.”

MARY: “Oh, I didn’t introduce my character yet. I’m Arya Stark, second daughter of Lord Stark. I’m a rogue.” Rolls. “11 to shoot!”

GM: “No, I mean you’re not in the armsyard. You’re doing sewing stuff with your sister and the septa who watches over you two.”

ARYA: “Bullshit! I want to shoot and fight too!”

GM: “Women in medieval times had it rough. Use your anger, let it make you stronger.”

JULIA: “And your journey to the dark side will be complete!”

MARY:  “This sucks. Now I know why Julia’s second character is still a man.”

LEON: “Woe is me! I lament the gender inequality of the genre!”

MARY: shoots eye-daggers at Leon.

GM: “Alright, Bran. Take your next shot.”

BRAN: “5.”

GM: “You’re still unable to hit the target. Everyone laughs, including Rickon.”

LEON: “Who the fuck is Rickon?”

GM: “Youngest Stark kid.”

NED: “Aw, cut the kid a break. Try again, one last shot.”

JON: “Roll on your character sheet. Works for me.”

ROBB: “Switch out your dice. I put mine on timeout when they roll low.”

ARYA: grabs Todd’s dice and rolls a critical hit.

GM: “Arya has snuck away from her needlework and hit a bullseye with a stolen bow!”

BRAN: throws dice and Arya’s player.

GM: “Ned, your master at arms approaches and tells you they’ve caught a deserter from the Night’s Watch.”

NED: stares blankly at the GM.

GM: “…It’s your duty as lord to execute him.”

NED: “Alright. Let’s test out my new sword.”

GM: “Technically it’s not exactly new.”

NED: “Let’s go, children!”

ALL: “YAY!”

GM: “Catelyn, your wife, pleads not to bring your children to an execution.”

NED: “She can come too.”

JULIA: “I think she means it would be traumatizing for the kids to watch.”

NED: “Hey, we gotta turn everyone into adventurers and start questing, right? Winter zombies are coming.”

GM: “Hmmm… I like that. That could be your house words. Anyways, your wife, dejected, turns from you and directs her angry glare onto Jon.”

JON: “What’d I do?”

GM: “Let’s fast-forward to the execution outside. Several armored northmen bring the Night’s Watchman up to the chopping block. He’s muttering something and has a wild look in his eyes.”

GM: “Psst. That’s you, Mary.”

MARY: “OH! I thought I was dead.”

NED: “You’re about to be.”

WILL: “Uh, yeah. I deserted. But there were these frost walkers or something? They like, decorating with body parts and killed my friends. You should hear this before I die. Warn somebody maybe? Oh, and my family or whatever. Do I have a family?”

NED: “In the name of Robert Baratheon, King of all the kingdoms of Planetos, protector of the realms, I, EDDARD, of House Stark, Lord of Winterfell, and Warden of the North, sentence you to beheading until dead.” Rolls. “22”

GM: “Yeeeah, you didn’t need to roll for that. 22 practically exploded him.”

NED: “In your face! Death before dishonor!”

MARY: “What did I do to you? Jerk. I’m going to watch YOU die some day.”

NED: “No way, José. Magic sword. Bring it, little girl.”

GM: “Theon tries to kick the head.”

ROBB: “I stop him.”

BRAN: “This is boring. When are we going to fight some monsters?”

GM: “There are very few monsters in this world compared to normal D&D. Ned, how do you react to Will’s news?”

NED: “The wights? I already knew that.”

GM: “YOU did, yes. But Ned didn’t. Try to separate player knowledge from character knowledge.”

BRAN: “What are wights?”

NED: “Don’t worry your pretty little head about it.”

GM: “Moving on. On your ride back to the castle you come upon two carcasses, a stag and a large direwolf.”

ROBB: “Gross. We keep going.”

NED: “Hey, I’m the lord here. I draw my sword and investigate. Awareness 10.”

GM: “You’re getting the hang of this. You take a close look and find out that the direwolf was killed by the horns of the stag.

JULIA TEXT TO SEAN: “Did you name your sword?”  
SEAN TEXT TO JULIA: “Hellz ya! Ice Zombi, for the bitch that kilt me the first time. I got a sword with his name on it just waitin for him.”  
JULIA TEXT TO SEAN: “Maybe you want to just name it Ice, baby.”  
SEAN TEXT TO JULIA: “Too cold.”  
JULIA TEXT TO SEAN: “Vanilla Ice? Rly? You’re such a dork.”

GM: “PHONES DOWN! When investigating the direwolf body you find five small direwolf pups.”

TODD: “What’s a direwolf?”

LEON: “It’s like a wolf, but bigger and with big bone spikes sticking out.”

GM: “This is a strange thing. Direwolves are the sigil of your house and not normally found south of the Wall.”

JON: “Now there are five. Want to hold one, Bran?”

BRAN: “Yeah! Where will they go? Their momma’s dead.”

NED: “Better a quick death. They won’t last long on their own. And Ice thirsts for more blood.”

ARYA: “Right, give it here.”

GM: “Woah, woah, woah. Bringing the boys to an execution was a stretch, but there’s no way they’d bring little girls. Here, why don’t you play as Theon, the hostage ward. At least until Arya has a proper reason to be in the scene.” Hands over character sheet.

THEON: “Bah! Whatever.” Clears throat, uses deeper voice. “Right, give it here.”

BRAN: “NO! Please daddy! Can I keep the puppy?”

ROBB: “Put away your blade.”

THEON: “I take orders from your father, not you. AHA! MUH DICK!” Mary flips off Julia.

NED: “I’m sorry, Bran. I need the xp.”

JON: “Father…”

GM: “You should probably address him as Lord Stark.”

JON: “Right. Lord Stark, there are five wolves, one for each Stark kid. The wolf is a sigil of your house.”

GM: “Direwolf.”

NED: “So, what, you’re asking for animal companions or something? Robb’s the only one with the Ranger class. Unless you guys are thinking of taking feats.

BRAN: “Whatever class I’ll be will have the animal companion feature. I want one.”

NED: “Do you promise to feed it and clean up after it and take it for walks?”

ARYA: “What’s a feat? Can I take a feat?”

GM: “Sure. Feats let you do specialized things that other characters can’t normally do, like dual wield shields or use a two-handed sword in one hand. Direwolves for everyone! It’s only fair I guess. Robb and Arya, yours are grey, Bran yours is silver.”

JON: “What color is mine?”

GM: “You don’t get one.”

JON: “You said there were five.”

GM: “Right. Robb, Sansa, Bran, Arya, and Rickon. Five LEGITIMATE Stark children.”

LEON: “Who the fuck is Rickon?”

GM: “Youngest Stark child. I think he’s like 5 years old.”

LEON: “You’re giving a five year old NPC a frakking direwolf but I don’t get a gorram thing?!”

MARY: “NPC?”

SEAN: “Non-Player Character. All the dudes that George controls.”

MARY: “Ah.”

JON: “I look again for another wolf. Also I’m multiclassing into Ranger.”

GM: “Direwolf. Yeah sure, perception check, but the chance of you just finding…”

JON: “Natural 20, biotch!”

GM: “A random direwolf appears!”

TODD: “Leon used dice! It’s super effective!”

JULIA: “Did you want one too, honey?”

NED: “Naw. Don’t need one. Big-ass magic sword.”

JON: “Mine has red demon eyes and is creepy as fuck cuz he don’t ever make a sound. And he’s a mutant albino.”

GM: “I applaud your creativity. I’ll give you +2 to any intimidation checks you make involving your direwolf.”

MARY: “Pizza’s here!”

GM: “OK, let’s take a break. ”

GM: “Aaand we’re back. Okay, Ned, you’re in the godswood which is where you go to pray to the Old Gods.”

LEON: “You know, like Azathoth, Hastur, Yog-Sothoth, and of course our dark lord Cthulhu.”

JULIA & SEAN TOGETHER: “Our dark lord Cthulhu fhtagn!”

GM: “We’re not playing Call of Cthulhu. That game will kill you guys faster than this one. No, the Old Gods are more like nature spirits. Ned, you pray next to a large white tree with a face carved on it.”

NED: “Can the leaves be blood-red? And I worship by sharpening my sword.”

GM: “Sounds good.”

NED: “Awesome. The old ways are the best ways.”

GM: “Your wife brings you news that your foster father is dead. Jon Arryn was also Hand of the King...”

MARY: “Hand of the King?”

GM: “He rules when the king is indisposed. This current king is frequently indisposed.”

LEON: “Does he wipe the king’s ass too?”

TODD: “The King shits and the Hand wipes.”

MARY: “Gross, guys.”

GM: “You didn’t let me finish. There’s more news. The king is heading to Winterfell.”

LEON: “Where’s that?”

NED: “That’s our castle, numbnuts.”

GM: “Look, here’s the map. Here’s the capital where the king lives, and way up here is you guys. And up here is the Wall where you all died last session.”

NED: “The King’s coming all the way up here. It must be important. I should ask him if I could be the new Hand.”

GM: “Cat tells you that’s a bad idea. The capital is a nest of rats and vipers.”

TODD: “There’s a talking cat? Can I tame it and make it my pet?”

JULIA: “That’s his wife. Catelyn.”

NED: “All the more reason to go! I can clear the city of all the goateed bad guys and claim the throne as my own.”

GM: “Careful there, Macbeth. The Iron throne is made of swords. It often cuts those who sit it. It’s like a Sword of Damacles thing.”

JULIA: “A throne of swords? How does that work?”

TODD: “I melted it with dragon’s breath!”

GM: “My brother’s been playing in my game since he was 5. Some of the crazier Targaryen kings are his fault. He’s also a pyro. You should’ve seen him last campaign, burning people left and right. That’s why I don’t keep matches in my apartment.”

TODD: “And I would’ve gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for those meddling players!”

GM: “Now you know how I feel every session.”

JULIA: “I thought the king was called Baratheon?”

GM: “There was a rebellion 17 years ago (in-game time). Another PC deposed Todd’s dynasty and crowned himself. It was a mess. Now the Targaryens are all dead.”

TODD: “And my backup character Rhaegar Targaryen was so cool!”

GM: “He was way OP (that means Over-Powered, Mary). Bro, you excelled at everything and had no weaknesses. You were asking to get plot-deviced into oblivion.”

MARY: “Targarians, huh? Hmmm. Sounds cool.”

GM: “Alright, this scene isn’t going anywhere. Let’s move on.”

MARY: “Can I make a scene?”

GM: “Sure, Mary. Did you make your secondary character?”

MARY: “No, I’m still working on it. Can I play Cat?”

GM: “Sure! Here’s her stats. Where does it take place?”

CAT: “I’m in the castle making preparations for the King’s arrival.”

TODD: “Can you make sure there are lots of candles and wine for my backup character?”

CAT: “Sure. I do that.”

GM: “You do that.”

CAT: “Hmmm… this is harder than I thought.”

GM: “Right?”

CAT: “Alright, I make all the boys get shaves and haircuts to make them look pretty for the king. Oh! And I let Arya train to be a knight.”

GM: “Uh, you can’t use a PC’s power to directly benefit your other PC like that. It’s not fair to the other players.”

CAT: “Bah!”

GM: “Alright. Bran, what are you doing?”

BRAN: “I’m climbing the castle walls so I can see the king arrive.”

GM: “Okay, let’s put some of you unspent Ability points into Athletics then.”

CAT: “Brandon Stark! Get down from there! You could roll a 1 and hurt yourself.”

GM: “Interesting idea.” Makes a note.

BRAN: “But the King’s here!”

GM: “He is?”

CAT: “Go tell your father. And no more climbing!”

BRAN: “Can I use intrigue to convince my mother to let my climb?”

GM: “Not really. Her intrigue stats are way higher than yours, and the result is trivial. Good roleplaying as his mother, Mary. Take 5 xp for that.”

SEAN: “What time were you thinking of stopping?”

GM: “We can stop now if you like, Sean.”

SEAN: “Yeah, I think that would be good. I’m a bit peckish and I’ve got a long drive home.”

GM: “Okay, guys and gals. Everyone survived this time. See you next week.”

GM’S POST-MORTEM NOTES: Had to omit the Robb and Jon race for pacing. Make Arya more equal somehow, within the confines of the setting. New goal: take Ned’s sword away.

* * *

From: Leon  
To: George  
Why can’t we play wizards again?

From: George  
To: Leon  
My little brother Todd is playing and our mom is a super Christian zealot who thinks D&D is a Satanist gateway into witchcraft, so we’re toning it down while Todd’s here. If you are jonesing for magic I’ll reserve any spellcasting NPCs in the story for you.

 


	3. The Return of the King

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another player is added to the group, returning from the previous campaign.

GM: Welcome everyone, to the third session of A Song of Ice and Fire.”

LEON: “Are we not playing Westeros anymore?”

GM: “No, yes. We are. The campaign setting is called A Song of Ice and Fire. Westeros is just the name of the continent the Seven Kingdoms are on. I gave you guys the map already didn’t I?

LEON: “Yeah, sure.”

DOOR: knock knock.

GM: “S’cuse me a sec, guys. That’s Rob at the door.”

ROB: “What’s up you chodes! Holy shit there’s a girl! Two of ‘em!”

GM: “Don’t make it weird, dude. Guys, this is Rob. He’s going to join us whenever his character is around.”

ROB: “I brought beer and powdered donuts!”

MARY: “Everything here is disgusting.”

ROB: “It’ll make you powerful, yeah! POWDERED SUGAAAH!”

GM: “Riiight. Rob will be playing his character from the last campaign. He’s King Robert.”

LEON: “Woah!”

GM: “But you’re not here yet. You’ll get an introduction soon. Have a beer until then.”

ROB: “Already on it.”

TODD: “Can I have one?”

GM: “No.”

ROB: “Todd.”

TODD: “USURPER!”

ROB: “Pleasure to see you again too.”

JULIA: “We haven’t seen Arya in a while.”

ARYA: “Ooh, thievery roll! 14. I steal armor.”

GM: “You can take a helm. But what does Cat think about seeing Arya in it?”

NED: “I take her helmet before the King sees.”

ARYA: “Dammit. I’ve got a sister, right?

GM: “Sansa, yes.”

ARYA: “I punch her.”

GM: “Sansa hates you now. Okay, the royal family arrives including Prince Joffrey, his bodyguard the Hound…”

JON: “Is that better than a direwolf?”

GM: “No, it’s a big burly man wearing a helmet in the shape of a snarling dog. He opens his visor to reveal half his face is burned off, like Two-Face in The Dark Knight.”

SEAN: “Dibs! I wanna play him.”

GM: “Sure. Here’s his character sheet.”

HOUND: “Fear of fire? What the fuck?”

GM: “That was supposed to be a secret. See how it’s the ONE THING written beneath the word SECRETS? You guys are killing me.”

HOUND: “I’m not afraid of fire. The Hound fears nothing!”

GM: “It’s called a character trait. Use it. Think of a backstory to explain the fear and his burns. Make it motivate your character’s decisions. Roleplay.”

HOUND: Grumbles.

GM: “Perfect! Okay, next a carriage is wheeled in. The Queen is inside that. Then the kingsguard wearing white cloaks flank the King as he rides in. One of the Kingsguard is…”

ROB: “King in the hizzy! Robert Baratheon is back, bitches!”

JULIA: “You named your character after yourself? That’s kinda lame, dude.”

SEAN: “Hey, your PC is named Rob too. Are you his son?”

ROBB: “No, Ned named his first born after his best friend Robert.”

SEAN: “Oh right. This is gonna get confusing.”

ROB: “Kneel before Zod!”

NED: “Do I have to?”

GM: “Not necessarily, but all the NPCs in the castle are kneeling. I wouldn’t recommend defying the King. Even if he is a drunken fool.”

ROB: “Go ahead, punk. Make my day.”

ALL: “I kneel.”

ROB: “Haha! Excellent. I love this setting. You may rise.”

GM: “Rob, Sean is playing Eddard Stark, the NPC who helped you win the war to become king.”

ROB: “You got fat.”

NED: “You’re kidding, right?”

ROB: “Pshh, I may be fat, but check out this Charisma Score. Rolled 3 sixes and get a +2 House bonus.”

GM: “Alright, let’s keep the mechanics talk to a minimum.”

ROB: “I haven’t seen you in nine years.”

GM: “Uh, it’s been 14 years since the Rebellion.”

LEON: “I thought you said 17?”

GM: “Well you try keeping track of all this stuff and rules on top of herding you cats.”

ROB: “No, Ned and I put down the Viking rebellion nine years ago. Remember? That rogue made a sneak attack with a ballista?”

MARY: “You can do that?!”

GM: “Oh right. Damn, this is the reason you’re the king. Somehow you keep track of the world better than the Game Master.”

SEAN: “What was the Viking rebellion?”

GM: “My best attempt at deposing King Gluttony over here. Mary’s secondary character, Theon Greyjoy, is a hostage from the Viking house that tried to become king. It’s all in the backstory I sent you if you want to read it.”

MARY: “Hey Todd. Didn’t you say your secondary character was coming? Which one is he?”

GM: “He’ll be introduced later.”

TODD: “No, I’m ready now.”

GM: “No, you’ll show up during the feast tonight. You haven’t even finished making your primary character yet!”

TODD: “My backup was more fun after I learned all the rules. You always made my characters for me.”

GM: “Alright, let me see the character sheet. …Oh, no. I told you we’re all playing humans! You can’t play a dwarf!”

MARY: “Dwarves are still human.”

GM: “D&D dwarves are a different race, like elves or orcs. But this setting is supposed to be gritty realism. Fantasy races kinda ruin that.”

LEON: “Technically that would be a different species, not race. Or even family or class.“

MARY: “Geek.”

GM: “Medieval science, not modern biology order.”

TODD: “I want to play a dwarf, and I’m ready now.”

GM: “Fine, but you’re the normal kind of dwarf, not the fantasy dwarf. You’ll start with physical drawbacks and you don’t have a beard.”

TODD: “But I can grow one!”

GM: “Can we at least finish this scene first?”

TODD: “Of course.”

GM: “So one of the Kingsguard is Jaime Lannister, the queen’s twin.”

ROB: “Dat’s mah boi!”

GM: “Yes, he’s the finest swordsman in the land. He also killed the previous king.”

NED: “I wrote into the backstory that I hate this guy.”

GM: “Sure. The queen walks up to you and holds out her hand, expecting you to kiss it.”

NED: “Fuck that noise.”

GM: “It’s just a custom.”

NED: “Fine. I do it. When I get to the king’s castle she’s the first one I’m taking down.”

ROBB: “Take me to your crypts. I want to pay my respects.”

GM: “You still have all the castle maps memorized? Jeez, dude. Okay, the queen says that you’ve been riding for over a month, surely the dead can wait.”

ROB: “This is still Twyin’s daughter right?”

GM: “Yes. Queen Cersei Lann…”

ROB: “Ned, let’s go.”

GM: “Yup, that’s about right.”

ARYA: “What about Todd’s new character?”

GM: “The queen turns to her twin and under her breath asks where their brother is. She says to find ‘that little beast’.”

GM: “Okay Todd. Go ahead.”

ROB: “I’m going to get some snacks while he goes.” Heads to kitchen.

TODD: “Okay, I’m in a brothel.”

GM and MARY: “Oh god.”

ROB FROM THE KITCHEN: “WHERE ARE THE PRINGLES?”

GM: “THEY’RE RIGHT THERE!”

TODD: “And I got a big cock. I can use it as a kickstand.”

GM: “Nonono.”

ROB FROM THE KITCHEN: “WHERE’S THE BEER?”

GM: “IT’S IN THE FRIDGE, DUH!”

TODD: “G, you always say that fun is paramount at the table, and this is how I want to have fun.”

GM: sigh. “Alright. Roll 3d4. That’ll be the length in inches. This is the last time, Todd.”

TODD: “8!”

JULIA: “That’s above average.”

ROB FROM THE KITCHEN: “ANYONE WANT A BEER? HEY GEORGE, I’M NOT IN THE ROOM, RIGHT?”

GM: “WHAT ROOM?”

TODD: “Above average dick, for an above average prostitute. She’s a totally hot red head.”

ROB FROM THE KITCHEN: “THE ROOM WHERE HE’S DOING ALL THESE CHICKS!”

MARY: “Jesus.”

GM: “HE’S NOT DOING ANYONE!”

TODD: “I am though, if you’d listen. Her name is Ros. She and I both have super high intrigue stats. And I’m Tyrion, the queen’s brother.”

JULIA: “Can I play Ros?”

GM: “There’d be no point. She’s gonna be gone in like two seconds. I’ll let it go this time, Todd, but try not to make up NPCs. That’s stepping on my toes. Ser Jaime walks in on you and Ros. He sarcastically says not to get up.”

TYRION: “Dooode! A closed door means fuck off while I get my fuck on!”

GM: “Don’t flip out…”

TYRION: rolls. “I do a flip! 16!”

GM: “No, you can’t do a flip.”

TYRION: “16, bro. Obey the dice.”

ROB FROM THE KITCHEN: “DO I SEE THAT HAPPENING?”

GM: “NO! YOU’RE IN THE CRYPTS! BY LYANNA’S TOMB!”

ROB FROM THE KITCHEN: “COOL I GET DRUNK!”

GM: exasperated. “This is why I kill PCs who leave the table. Jamie says your sister craves your attention. The Starks are feasting us at sundown. Don’t leave me alone with these people.”

MARY: “The Starks are cannibals?”

GM: “No they’re not.”

ROB FROM THE KITCHEN: “I’M GETTING DRUNK, ARE THERE ANY GIRLS THERE?”

GM: “YOU’RE. IN. THE. CRYPTS!”

TYRION: “I thought I’d start the party a bit early. And this is the first of many.”

GM: “I thought you might say that. Jaime brings in two more whores to wear you out so we can get back to the actual story. He leaves.”

TYRION: “Close the door!”

ROB FROM THE KITCHEN: “ROLL THE DICE TO SEE IF I’M GETTING DRUNK!”

GM: sigh. Rolls a dice but doesn’t look at the result. “YEAH, YOU ARE!”

ROB FROM THE KITCHEN: “ARE THERE ANY GIRLS THERE?”

GM: “IN THE BROTHEL!”

ROB FROM THE KITCHEN: “I THOUGHT YOU SAID I WAS IN THE CRYPTS?”

GM: “TODD IS IN THE BROTHEL WITH A WHORE!”

ROB FROM THE KITCHEN: “WHORES?! I HAVE A KINGDOM OF GOLD! I BUY ALL OF THE WHORES!”

GM: “YOU’RE NOT THERE! YOU’RE GETTING DRUNK!”

ROB FROM THE KITCHEN: “OK, BUT IF THERE’S ANY GIRLS THERE I WANT TO DO THEM!”

GM: “Does anyone else want to GM?”

ROB: Comes back from the kitchen and offers a Pringles chip to George. George shakes his head. Rob shrugs and puts the empty Pringles can on his crotch. He begins singing, “Soooome people call me Pringles Dick, but I never really found out why…”

TODD: “Not the Pringles Dick song.”

ROB: “I don’t really have a Pringles dick, I just keeeep my dick inside.” Rob puts his arm around George.

GEORGE AND ROB TOGETHER: “I keep my dick inside a Pringles can because it keeps my penis warm and dry. Soooome people call me Pringles dick but I never really found out NOOO! I never found out…”

ROB: “I never really found out why.”

GM: “Hehehe. That Jeff Davis is a funny bitch. Let’s go back to Rob and Ned in the crypts.”

NED: “So what happened to your Hand, dude?”

ROB: “I don’t know, one day he was fine. The next… it burned right through him, whatever it was. I love that man.”

NED: “Didn’t our characters grow up together?”

ROB: “Yes, at the Eyrie.”

NED: “What’s an Eyrie?”

ROB: “A sweet-ass impregnable castle. It’s the capital of the kingdom of the Vale. Yes, you were the good one. But me, all I ever wanted to do was crack skulls and fuck girls…”

MARY: “Ugh.”

ROB: “I need you, Ned.”

JULIA: “Aw yeah you do. Heh. Nedbert.”

ROB: “…down at King’s Landing not up here where you’re no damn use to anybody.”

NED: “Hey!”

ROB: “Lord Eddard Stark, I would name you Hand of the King.”

EDDARD: “I would be honored.”

ROB: “I’m not trying to honor you, I’m trying to get you to run my kingdoms while I eat, drink, and whore my way to an early grave. You helped me win the Iron Throne, now let me keep the damn thing. We were meant to rule together. If your sister had lived we would’ve been bound by blood.

NED: “Sister?”

ROB: “…Well it’s not too late. I have a son, you have a daughter, we’ll join our houses.”

ARYA: “Hey!”

GM: “You’re not there. Nice exposition, Rob.”

ROB: “Lyanna’s tomb is still here, right? I get super serious and lay an offering.  Did you have to bury her in a place like this, Ned? She should be on a hill somewhere with the sun and the clouds above her.”

LEON’S TEXT TO GEORGE: “Dude, wats up w/ Rob and this liana girl?”  
GEORGE’S REPLY: “Rob dated the RL girl who played Lyanna. She dumped him and left the game at same time. Try not to abraid him about it.”

NED: “She was my sister. This is where she belongs.”

ROB: “She belonged with me. In my dreams I kill him every night.”

SEAN: “Who?”

TODD: grins. “Me.”

GM: “Todd’s character Rhaegar kidnapped and killed Lyanna Stark. It’s what started the rebellion.”

NED: “It’s over, dude. The Targarians are dead.”

JULIA: “Not all of them.”

GM AND ROB: “What?”

JULIA: “My secondary character is a Targarian. Dany Targarian. I’m totes beautiful.”

GM: “Alright help me out here, how could there still be a Targ?”

DANY: “Could I have like, escaped or something? Maybe born after the war? I’m hiding out in Essos.”

GM: “Hmmm… okay, let’s say you were smuggled out of the kingdom in secret at the end of the war. You’ve never even seen Westeros. Here is the Targaryen class that Todd made up. They have their own magic traits and stuff. And let’s make Dany short for Daenerys. All the Targs have the ‘a-e’ thing in their fancy names.”

JON: “Can I be a secret Targarian too?”

GM: “No.“

JON: “Why not?”

GM: “Fine, I’ll think about it. Back to Dany’s scene. You’re in the manse of Illyrio Mopatis.”

MARY: “How do you come up with these names?”

TODD: “He has a list.”

GM: “You are…” rolls a dice. “Annoying McTroublesome.”

DANY: “No, I’m in Essos. Not at the Wall.”

GM: “Right. Wait what?”

DANY: “You just said I was with Mance. I read in your setting story that he was the wildling king beyond the Wall.”

GM: “No, manse, like a house.”

NED: “You said I was king of the North.”

GM: “OH MY GOD YOU GUYS!”

JULIA’S TEXT TO LEON: “Man, he can get wound up, can’t he?”  
LEON’S REPLY: “Look at the vein in his forehead!”

ROB: “You’re Warden. The North stops at the Wall. Mance Rayder is the King Beyond the Wall. I am King of the Seven Kingdoms, one of which is the North but not the area beyond the Wall. Essos is the eastern continent, separated from the Seven Kingdoms by the Narrow Sea. One of the major cities on that continent is where Dany is starting. It’s not that hard, yo.”

GM: “Thank you, Rob. Dany, you’re in a city called Pentos.”

TODD: “The fresh maker.”

GM: “You made that joke all last campaign. It’s old. Stop it. Dany. Pentos. Go!”

DANY: “My dumbass brother is arranging a wedding for me with this Mance guy…”

LEON: You’re marrying Mance Rayder? Or your brother?”

MARY: Is Rayder related to Julia’s first character? Didn’t they have the same name?

GM: “DONE! I’m done for the night. You guys can figure it out. DEUCES!”

GM’S POST-MORTEM NOTES: Rage. All of the rage. They’re doing this on purpose, I know it. And that only makes me angrier. Rob can be a big help when he’s not being the absolute worst. It's probably best we ended there anyway. Now I've got time to write interesting Essos scenes instead of just making shit up at the table.  
    Mary seems to be struggling to give Arya a voice and agency besides being a tomboy. I don’t think she yet grasps how big the intrigue mechanic will be in the game, and how powerful ladies can be in that area.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stole from the old internet D&D skit by The Dead Alewives. Go look it up. While you're at it, search for Pringles Dick Typography on Youtube, and also Medieval Land Fun-Time World.


	4. Of Dice and Men

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get dicey.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cast:  
> Mary – Will, Arya, Theon, Cat, Cersei  
> Leon – Jon, Joffrey, Jorah, Jaime  
> Sean – Gared, Ned, Drogo, Hound  
> Julia – Waymar, Robb, Dany, Ros  
> Todd – Bran, Tyrion, Viserys
> 
> Trigger warning: rape discussion. Nothing nearly as bad as the show or books though.

GM: “Glad to see everyone could make it again. Did you guys figure everything out?”

ALL: “Yes.”

GM: “Good. Care to pick it up, Julia?”

JULIA: “So we last left off with me, Daenerys Targarian, in Pentos, betrothed to Khal Drogo, arranged by Illyrio so my brother Viserys can gain an army to take back the Iron Throne.”

ROB: “Pfff, good luck.”

GM: “Perfect. Todd, I suspect you’d be a good match to play Khal…”

TODD: “VISERYS TARGARYEN! You better do a good job with Carl Drago, sister. You don’t want to wake the dragon, do you?”

DANY: “Umm… No?”

VISERYS: “When they write the history of my reign they will say it started today.”

DANY: “Way to steal my scene, kid.”

GM: “Illyrio is awaiting the arrival of Khal Drogo and his Dothraki blood riders. When you’re ready, you meet up with him outside. Eventually Drogo arrives and Illyrio introduces you.”

DANY: “What’s a Dothraki?”

GM: “Think Mongolians, and a Khal Drogo is like Genghis Khan.”

LEON: “Ah. Kahl, Khan. I see what you did there.”

SEAN: “Dibs.”

GM: “Sure you can play Drogo. Here’s his sheet. Illyrio continues, may I present my honored guests: Viserys of house Targaryen, the third of his name, the rightful king of the Andals and the First Men.”

VISERYS: “Aw yeah, that’s the good stuff.”

ROB: “So gonna kill you again.”

GM: “…And his sister, Daenerys of house Targaryen.”

VISERYS: “Do you see his hair, braided with bells? When Dothraki are defeated in combat, they cut off their braid so the whole world can see their shame.”

GM: “Did you just make that shit up off the top of your head?”

DROGO: “I don’t have bells and long hair. That’s gay.”

TODD: “That’s homophobic.”

DROGO: “Alright, I’ll have long hair, but no bells. Deal?”

GM: “Deal.”

DROGO: “I’ve never been defeated, so my braid goes down past my waist.”

VISERYS: “He’s a savage, of course, but he’s one of the finest killers alive.” Whispers, “and you will be his queen."

DANY: “You guys are totally creepy. You should get married instead of me.”

DROGO: “Fine, whatever. Let’s go kill shit.”

GM: “Khal Drogo and his bloodriders ride off.”

VISERYS: “Wait, where are you going?”

GM: “Illyrio informs you not to worry. If the Khal had been displeased by Dany, he would’ve slaughtered all of you and taken your gold.”

DROGO: “Niiice.”

GM: as Illyrio, “Soon you will cross the Narrow Sea and take back your father’s throne. The people drink secret toasts to your health…”

ROB: “No they don’t.”

VISERYS: “So I give him a queen, and he gives me an army?”

DANY: “You guys are talking about me as if I’m not here. I don’t want to be his queen. I want to go home.”

GM: “That seems like a good place to introduce the Intrigue mechanic. Dany, pick either your Persuasion or Deception score and use it to roll against Illyrio and Viserys’s Intrigue Defenses. If you win, you will convince them that there are other ways to get an army besides selling you off as a bride to a stranger.”

DANY: rolls. “6.”

VISERYS: “My Intrigue Defense is 8.”

GM: “And Illyrio’s is… higher.”

VISERYS: “I want to go home too. But they took it from us. We need an army to go home. I would let their whole tribe fuck you, all forty thousand, horses too, if that’s what it took.”

DANY: “Jesus Christ, dude!”

MARY: “Yeah, that shit’s fucked up.”

GM: “He’s roleplaying. Todd’s actually quite polite in real life. He just gets like this with his Targ kings sometimes. Todd, try to reign it in when talking to other players, please.”

VISERYS: “Kay. I kiss her forehead and stroke her cheek.”

DANY: “Not helping.”

ROB: “Sooo… you’re all gonna help me kill this guy, right?”

GM: “Good scene, guys. We set up a dislikable villain and a threat on the realms. This is going well. Let’s go back to Winterfell where the feast is happening. Jon Snow, you’re seated with the squires in the back of the hall.”

JON: “Fuck that. I go outside and practice swordplay.”

GM: “You won’t be able to take part in any of the conversations in the hall.”

JON: “I don’t care.”

GM: “Okay, you gain advantage on your next attack roll from the extra practice you put in. Tyrion… no, wait we already introduced you. Just gotta reshuffle my notes here, just a sec. Oh, shit, I forgot! Aaand your uncle Benjen is there. He arrived at the same time as the royal procession.”

JON: “What was he doing with the king?”

GM: “No, he just arrived at the same time. Coincidence. He’s a ranger from the Night’s Watch.”

MARY: “DESERTER! Execute him!”

NED: “I draw Ice.”

GM: “No, he’s here for the feast. His brother is Lord Stark. The Starks practically fund the Watch.”

LEON’S TEXT TO SEAN: “Ben seems shady, probs a bad guy.”

NED: “Does Benjen have a goatee?”

GM: “Yes…”

NED: “I run out of the hall and draw my magic sword!”

GM: “Why? You have no way of knowing anything that’s happening outside the hall. You’ve got to have believable motivation for the choices your character makes. Roleplay, don’t roll play.”

NED: “Fine.

GM: “Jon, Benjen sells you on the Watch. It’s an honorable duty to defend the realm and as a bastard you don’t have much future at Winterfell. In the Watch you can climb the ranks and lead armies in great battles.”

JON: “Alright, sounds good. How do I sign up?”

GM: “Convince Ned.”

JON: looks at Ned.

NED: nods.

GM: “Fantastic roleplaying, guys. Jon, you’ll depart with Benjen to the Wall after the King leaves.”

JON: “I’ll kill some ice zombies for you Sean.”

NED: “I sign up too!”

GM: “No, you’re lord of the house. You can’t abandon everyone. And the King just asked you to be Hand. That would be a pretty big 'Fuck You' to him. I mean, you can if you want to, you just have to convince us why your character would do that.”

NED: “Alright, never mind.”

GM: “Okay, in the feast hall Ned reunites with his brother. Want to do a scene, Sean?”

NED: “Naw, I’m good.”

GM: “Okay, the brothers are solemn in their meeting, sharing rumors of the White Walkers and the coming winter. Oh! I forgot to mention that winters last for years on this world, sometimes a decade. This makes the White Walkers more threatening.

MARY: “If the seasons are years long, wouldn’t that affect how to measure the length of a year?”

ROB: “Best not to think about it too much. Just accept it’s a part of the universe and carry on with the story.”

GM: “Okey dokey. King Robert, you’ve probably got a big obnoxious scene in mind.”

ROB: “I drink and eat until I’m sloshed enough to convince three rando serving wenches to follow me to bed and then I crash out.”

GM: “That’s it? No thunderous speech about Ned’s honor or sordid war stories? Plots to overthrow the rulers of the other continents and rule the world?”

ROB: “Nope, I made it pretty clear after the last campaign what I intended for the fate of my character.”

GM: “Seems kinda, I don’t know, anticlimactic?”

ROB: “Such is life.”

GM: “Hmm. Well, Cat and the queen talk to Sansa."

CAT: "What do we talk about?"

GM: “About how Sansa is might be betrothed to Joffrey. The queen is dismissive and bad at covering it up. She's a bit rude to Sansa and insults the North.”

LEON: "What a bitch."

CAT: “Well, she's the queen so I bite my tongue and suffer in silence.”

ROB: “Smart move.”

MARY: “So it's Sansa not Arya they're making marry the prince? Whew.”

GM: “Joffrey and Sansa eye each other from across the room.”

LEON: Who’s Joffrey?”

ROB:  “My son.”

GM: “Ned, Jaime blocks your path and gives you a shit-eating grin. He tells you that he hears you might be neighbors soon. He hopes they’ll have a tournament to celebrate the new hand. It would be good to have you on the field, the competition has been a bit stale.”

SEAN: “Oh snap, it's the kobra kai!”

LEON: “Sweep the leg, Johnny!”

MARY: “I don't understand half of what you guys are saying.”

NED: “I accept his challenge!”

GM: “He technically hasn’t actually challenged you.”

NED: “Could I take him though?”

GM: “Give me an insight check.”

NED: “11.”

GM: “Well, you’ve never seen him fight in person, but he has the reputation of being the greatest fighter of the current generation.”

TODD: “Only cuz Rhaegar’s dead.”

NED: “Hmmm. I tell him that I don’t fight in tournaments because when I fight a man for real I don’t want him to know what I can do. Intimidation check! 9.”

GM: “Well said. Jaime grins again. If he’s scared, he’s good at hiding it.”

ARYA: “Hey can I fling some pudding at Sansa’s face while she’s making googly eyes at the prince?”

GM: “You do that. No roll required. She screams."

ROBB: chortles.

GM: “Robb, your mother motions for you to take Arya away.”

ROB: “I thought my parents died in my batman backstory?”

GM: “Sorry, Robb with two ‘b’s.”

ROBB: “Time for bed, Arya.”

ARYA: “Aw.”

GM: “Alright, I’m gonna wrap up the feast here.”

ROB: “Pretty tame for an Ice and Fire feast.”

GM: “Oh, I killed most of the players on the first session, so I’m going easy on them for a bit.”

ROB: “I see.”

GM: “Ned and Cat are winding down in their chambers. This is the first chance you’ve had to discuss Ned becoming Hand.”

CAT: “I won’t let him take you.”

ROB: “The king takes what he wants.”

GM: “You’re not there, let them have their scene.”

NED: “The king takes what he wants.”

GM: “Ugh!”

CAT: “I’ll say listen fat man, you are not taking my husband anywhere. He belongs to me now.”

JULIA: “Uh, I’m not okay with this. Can I play Cat instead?”

MARY: “Oh, I’m sorry Julia!”

SEAN: “It’s okay, baby. It’s just acting. You know I love you.”

TODD: “Blach.”

GM: “Catelyn doesn’t have full PC stats, so I don’t think she’ll be taking a large roll in the future. If emotions are being stirred it means we’re doing something right. I wouldn’t worry about it. If it becomes a problem we can switch later.”

JULIA: “Alright. Just focus on the adventure.”

GM: “Actually, I’ll take control of Cat for a moment, there’s something I need to do anyways.” leafs through notes. “Cat tells Ned that the dead direwolf in the woods was an ill omen. It was killed by a stag, the sigil of house Baratheon. And the direwolf is the symbol of house Stark. Cat fears that if you go south with Robert it will be the death of you, or house Stark, or both.”

NED: “Huh. I didn’t see that. Symbology.”

GM: “Yeah, sometimes you guys catch this stuff and sometimes I have to beat you over the head with it. Okay, next thing is Maester Lewin brings a letter from Cat’s sister…”

MARY: “Meister?”

ROB: “It’s like a cleric.”

GM: “She doesn’t know what a cleric is in the context of D&D. He’s a medieval doctor but with more logic and critical thinking than they had back then.”

NED: “I have a sister?”

GM: “Cat’s sister. From her original house.”

CAT: “I’m not a Stark?”

GM: “Not originally, no. Would you like to come up with your maiden house?”

CAT: “Eh, no that’s ok. It can just be some small house from somewhere that she never talks to anymore.”

GM: “That …would put your house at a disadvantage. You see guys, you’re all working together to try to improve your house. One of the best ways to make the house stronger is with alliances. If Cat’s former house was big, like house Stark, then that would make it harder for your enemies to crush you.”

ROB: “That’s how I won the war.”

GM: “True. So it pays to develop your character backstory, guys.”

CAT: “Okay, what’s the nearest country next to the North?”

GM: “Riverlands. They’re ruled by the Tullys.”

CAT: “Tullys, that’s my house.”

GM: “Great! So your sister, Lysa Arryn, says…”

LEON: “Wouldn’t that be Lysa Tully?”

GM: “She married Jon Arryn, lord of the Vale.”

MARY: “Vale?”

TODD: “The Veil what separates this world from the Fade.”

GM: “That's Dragon Age, don't listen to him. The Vale is a realm. It’s east of the Riverlands. Guys, there’s a map right here!”

LEON: “Jon Arryn. Sounds familiar.”

NED: “Former Hand. Fostered me and king Rob.”

LEON: “Jeez, I need some charts or spreadsheets to keep track of this stuff.”

GM: “I keep trying to get you guys to use Obsidian Portal, but nobody’s signed up for it. You could use your damn phones to look up these characters instead of interrupting me every slagging sentence.”

CAT: “I read the letter.”

GM: “Great! It says that Jon Arryn was murdered by a Lannister and that the king is in danger. Rob, can you remind them who the Lannisters are?”

ROB: “The queen and her two brothers, and their father who rules the Westerlands.”

LEON: “Which is west. Of Westeros.”

GM: “Let it go, Leon.”

MARY: sings ‘Let It Go’ from Frozen. Everyone glares at her until she feels embarrassed enough to stop.”

JULIA: “Ooo, a murder mystery. Excellent.”

CAT: “This letter seams treasonous. I burn it. Is there a fireplace?”

GM: “Yup yup. Good thinking. You do that. The maester says that if this letter is true and the Lannisters conspire against the king, you’re the only one who can protect him.”

CAT: “The maester was in the room when I read it? Can’t I shoo him away first?”

GM: “No, you should’ve said that before.”

NED: “This maester, what’s his deal? He seems pretty quick to get me to go. Smells fishy.”

GM: “Maesters are sworn to serve the house they’re assigned to. They can usually be trusted.”

NED: “Insight check on the maester! 12.”

GM: “If he’s lying, you can’t tell.”

NED: “Damn your opaque wording!”

GM: shrugs.

ROB: “It’s that kind of suspicion that will keep you alive.”

NED: “They murdered the last Hand. I’m not sure they won’t try to do the same to me.”

CAT: “You need to go to the capital. You must protect your friend and king! Robert came all the way up here to ask for your help. You’re the only one he trusts.”

JULIA: “Pick a side of the waffle, jeez.”

ROB: “You’ve fought with me in wars for most of your life. You were meant to do this.”

TODD: “Your father and brother rode south once, on a king’s demand.”

NED: “What?”

GM: “Guys, you’re not there. But this is character knowledge Ned would know so I’ll explain. In the last campaign the Mad King, played by Todd, summoned your father and older brother to the capital after Todd’s backup character Rhaegar kidnapped your sister Lyanna, who Rob was visiting in the crypt because she was betrothed to Rob. Aerys burned them alive in a very gruesome scene.”

ROB: “That’s what happens when you send NPCs to do a PC’s job.”

GM: “It's true. In response, you teamed up with house Baratheon, house Arryn, and house Tully to destroy the Targaryen dynasty.”

TODD: “Curse your sudden yet inevitable betrayal!”

GM: “Ned, it’s your choice.”

NED: “Hmmm. Uh… do I have to decide now?”

GM: “Now. We can go over to Essos while you think it over. It’s a big decision. It’ll affect the fates of all the Stark PCs.”

VISERYS: “YA! Essos! That’s me. When do I meet with Carl? I’d like to begin planning the invasion.”

GM: “Illyrio tells you that Khal Drogo promised you a crown and you shall have it. We’re at the wedding of Dany and Drogo, B T dubs.”

VISERYS: “When?”

GM: “When the Drothraki omens favor war.”

TODD: “Uck! Religion ruins everything.”

DANY: “What’s the ceremony like?”

GM: “Illyrio and several unnamed donors have funded a very expensive wedding, but half of the wedding is Dothraki, which is a barbaric culture. The decorations are elegant, the gifts are lavish, the food is refined, but there is fucking and bloody brawling on the dance floor instead of dancing.”

SEAN: “Sounds better than my real wedding.”

JULIA: “Hey!” pouts.

GM: “A Dothraki wedding without at least three deaths is considered a dull affair.”

ROB: “It’s not just the Dothraki, guys.”

GM: “An Andal knight approaches the dais. This is the first Westerosi fighter you’ve seen in many years living in Essos.”

VISERYS: “Yes, I accept your pledge of allegiance.”

GM: “He approaches Dany, holding several old looking books.”

DANY: “Ooh. Books!”

GM: “A small gift for the new Khaleesi. Songs and the Histories from the Seven Kingdoms.

DANY: “Thank you, Ser. Were you …sworn to my father? Is that right? My father was the Mad King?”

GM: “Ser Jorah Mormont of Bear Island, I served your father for many years.” Rolls. “Jorah tries to charm you. 12 to your Intrigue Defense.”

DANY: “ID is 8.”

GM: “The knight from Bear Island has endeared himself to you. Make a note that your Disposition Rating towards him is Friendly.”

SEAN: “Dibs! An island of bears? Fuck yeah!”

GM: “You’re already playing a character in this scene. Sorry man.”

LEON: “I’ll take the bear knight.” Takes character sheet. “I don’t like the physical description. Can I change it?”

GM: “Yup, all that stuff is mostly filler. Please don’t reveal any info under the Secrets section. What’s your new description?”

JORAH: “Short blond hair, lean, and attractive.”

SEAN’S TEXT TO LEON: “Wuts it say about bears?”  
LEON’S REPLY: “Its just a name, yo.”  
SEAN: “Wuts yer secret?”  
LEON: “Wuts yers?”  
SEAN: “How did u know Ned had a secret?”  
LEON: “I didn’t (horned devil emoji)”

JORAH: “Gods be good I hope to always serve the rightful king.”

VISERYS: nods confidently.

MARY: “Gods plural? Does Jorah worship the Old Gods too?”

GM: “Possibly, but most of Westeros except the North follow the Faith of the Seven. Like how in Christianity there is the holy trinity, here there are seven distinct attributes.”

ROB: “Which is probably why everyone calls it the Seven Kingdoms when anyone who can count will tell you there are fuckin’ NINE.”

GM: “Illyrio waves over the next gifts. These are from him. Three petrified dragon eggs in a thick oak chest.”

VISERYS: “Perrrfect. Mwahaha!”

GM: “These aren’t for you, brah. It’s Dany’s wedding. These are Dany’s eggs.”

VISERYS: “What what WHAT?!”

DANY: “What do they look like?”

GM: “They’re beautiful and huge; they take two hands to hold. Would you like to come up with your own description?”

DANY: “They’re covered in scales which look like jewels. Can they be different colors? Yeah? Okay, there’s a black and scarlet one, a cream and gold one, and a deep emerald and bronze one.”

GM: “BAM, I like the imagination.”

DANY: “Thank you, Magister.”

LEON: “Who’s Magister?”

VISERYS: “I question Illyrio. Where and how did you get the eggs? Do you have more? Can you get more? Have you tried to hatch them? Are they from the same clutch?”

GM: “I can’t answer most of those questions. I think you’re asking because of your player knowledge of dragons. Viserys wouldn’t know the same stuff you do.”

DANY: “What’s going on?”

GM: “Todd has unrevealed knowledge of the relationship between Targaryens and dragons that goes back thousands of years. As far as anyone else at this table knows, the last dragon died 200 years ago and nobody’s been able to hatch one since.”

DANY: “Really? Interesting. Well what do we know about Targs and Dragons, where common history is concerned?”

GM: “Targaryens were dragon riders. That’s how they conquered Westeros and united seven kingdoms under one rule 300 years ago. That was Todd’s first character.”

TODD: “I had three dragons!”

GM: “Yeah …I was more lenient back then.”

DROGO: “DROGO HAS HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR VOCAL BRIC A BRAC! It is time for the honeymoon. Drogo retrieves the horses. Your horse is his wedding gift to you. It is silver, like your Targarian hair. It’s the most beautiful animal you’ve ever seen.”

DANY: “Aw, honey I love it.”

TODD: “Blech.”

GM: “Oh, you guys can’t understand each other. He speaks Dothraki and you can only speak Common and High Valyrian.”

VISERYS: “Make him happy. He’ll help us win back my kingdom.”

DANY: “Ugh. You’re lucky you’re my in-game brother.”

GM: “Okay, let’s end that scene there and…”

DANY: “No, wait. Part of the honeymoon scene will be important to my character development.”

GM: “Umm, that’s kinda weird, guys. D&D sex is always the most awkward thing ever invented.”

DANY: “You let Todd’s dwarf do it.”

GM: “Touché. Alrighty, what happens?”

DANY: “I take Dorgo’s face into my hands.”

LEON: “Woah woah. This guys a barbarian, right? Wouldn’t he like, go cave man on her?”

DROGO: “I think he’s right.”

GM: “No rape at my table. House rule. Find a way around it.”

ROB: “Says the undying proponent of gritty realism in a war-torn medieval setting.”

GM: “How would you feel if my PC raped your PC?”

ROB: “I don’t know. I guess that’s kind of fucked up.”

DANY: “It’s important to me that this is consensual anyways, because up until now it seems like my character’s just been pushed around. This is the first time I’m grabbing life by the balls, so to speak.”

DROGO: “Heh.”

DM: “Most excellent. That fits with your heritage and stuff.”

DROGO: “Can we roll to see how awesome the sex is?”

DM: sigh. “If you must.”

DROGO AND DANY: proceed to make several rolls coupled with lewd and humorous descriptions of wet and warm bits colliding with each other in various ways.

DANY: …”I stroke his hair lovingly and spoon him for the appropriate amount of time before falling asleep.”

LEON: “And how long is that?”

MARY: “She’s a 14 year old virgin! There’s no way she’d be a Dom!

GM: “Cool cool cool. Let’s cut to another scene. Ned, you made your decision yet?”

NED: “Aye. I’ll do it.”

ROB: “You’re gonna regret it.”

NED: “What? You asked me to be Hand!”

ROB: “King Robert did, sure. But as a player I know what’s in store for you in King’s Landing. I can separate player knowledge with character knowledge. Well, to celebrate let’s take the able-bodied Stark boys for a hunt!”

GM: “That’ll be Ned, Robb with two ‘b’s, Theon, and Jon. That leaves Bran, Rickon, and the girls.”

LEON: “Who the fuck is Rickon?”

MARY: “Youngest brother.”

GM: “Bran, what kind of trouble can you get into?”

BRAN: “I climb the highest tower in the castle.”

GM: “The highest one is abandoned and in decay. If something happens up there you’ll be S O L.”

BRAN: “Good. I don’t really care about this character.”

GM: “You climb up to the top of the First Keep. You hear noises coming from inside. I need two volunteers to help run the NPCs in this scene. They have a conversation and I feel weird talking to myself through NPCs. Leon, you still have only two PCs and everyone else has three. Why don’t you take Jaime.”

MARY: “Who is the other?”

GM: “Cersei”

ALL EXCEPT ROB AND GM: “Who?”

ROB: “The queen.”

GM: “Great, here’s your character sheets and the script. When the script ends you can just improv your way through the rest.”

JAIME: “Holy shit this fighting stat!”

GM: “Shhh, don’t let any of the other players know your stats. It might affect their decisions.”

CERSEI: “Ew, gross. Leon did you see this?”

JAIME: “Yeah, I did. Hey George, can I have a gravity belt?”

GM: “What? Why do you want… no, you can’t have a gravity belt. There’s very little technology in this age, let alone future tech.”

JAIME: “Not even a Walkman?”

TODD: What’s a Walkman?

JULIA: “Ugh, Millennials.”

GM: “Get started guys.”

CERSEI: “Alright. Ahem. What if Jon Arryn told someone?”

JAIME: “Who would he tell?”

CERSEI: “My husband.”

JAIME: “If he’d told the king, Robert would’ve had him skewered on the city gates. Whatever he knew it died with him.”

CERSEI: “You should be the Hand of the King. Stark will put us in danger. Robert loves him like a brother.”

ROB: “I hate my brothers.”

GM: “Shh!”

JAIME: “I prefer honorable men to ambitious ones like the Baratheons and Littlefinger.”

SEAN: “Who’s Littlefinger?”

GM: “Haven’t met him yet.”

CERSEI: “I’m worried what Lysa might have said to the Starks. Ned’s loyal to Robert, not to Joffrey. If Ned finds out then Joffrey won’t be king and we…”

JAIME: “You should think less about the future and more about the pleasures at hand.”

CERSEI: “Stop that!”

JAIME: “All this talk is getting very tiresome, sister. Come here and be quiet.”

GM: “Bran, you see the golden haired Lannister twins having sex in the abandoned tower.”

BRAN: “Gross!”

ROB: “Sonova bitch!”  
   
SEAN: “Called it. I knew the queen was bad news.”

GM: “Bran, you have two seconds to act.”

BRAN: “ACK! Stealth roll! 6. Crap.”

GM: “Cersei sees you.”

CERSEI: “Stop. Stop! The window! He saw us!”

JAIME: “I go to the window to grab him.”

GM: “Jaime’s Athletics vs Brans Acrobatics.”

BOTH: roll.

JAIME: “I grab the boy. Are you completely mad?”

CERSEI: “He saw us!”

BRAN: “Can I escape the grab?”

GM: “Roll.”

BRAN. “7?”

GM: “Almost! But still immobilized by Jaime’s grab attack.”

JAIME: “You should’ve chosen a class. I let go of the grab.”

BRAN: “Whew. I’m still holding onto the window, right?”

CERSEI: “HE SAW US!”

JAIME: looks at Cersei, looks at George, then back at Bran. “The things I do for love. I use the Bull Rush attack. 19.”

GM: sucks air through teeth. “Bran, you're being pushed out the window. I'll give you a saving throw to catch a hold.”

BRAN: rolls the 20-sided dice.

ALL: “1!”

GM: “Bran, You fall from the tower.”

JULIA: “Jeez, he was just a kid. Didn’t even have his class yet.”

SEAN: “How high up is that?”

GM: “High enough to kill him. I could calculate the fall damage but the outcome will be the same. Your only choice is to burn a Destiny Point.”

SEAN: “Dibs on his loot.”

MARY: “A what point?”

GM: “Destiny point. They’re limited resources used to determine your character’s fate. It gives the PCs more freedom in the plot to fight against my railroading. You can also use them to invest in Benefits. That’s how Ned paid for his Valyrian-steel sword.”

MARY: “Why didn’t we get to use a Destiny Point when the ice zombies killed us?”

GM: “Those were premade characters. You didn’t roll stats for them or have any choice in their construction like you did for the Starks. Essentially they’re throw-away characters.”

SEAN: “Wait, so did the Lannister twins kill the Hand?”

ROB: “I think so.”

TODD: “So I can survive?”

GM: “Yes, but you have to pick a physical drawback from this list.”

TODD: “Aw these suck. I guess paraplegic is better than quadriplegic or losing a hand. What’s a eunuch?”

JULIA: “Castration.”

TODD: “Gah. I’ll just be leg-crippled.”

GM: “Okay, you’ll be in a coma for a time while your body heals from the fall. In the meantime you’ll play Tyrion and Viserys.”

SEAN: “Do you have a good stopping point coming up?”

GM: “I’ve got enough material to keep going. Do you want to stop Sean?”

SEAN: “Yeah, I think we better.”

GM: “Okay. Same time next week, guys?”

GM’S POST-MORTEM NOTES: Reminding Julia and Sean about languages seems futile. They’d just talk anyways and my reminders would only serve to annoy them. I don’t know why RPGs even bother to have different languages.  
I think we’re ready for combat now, it’s been a lot of just set up and exposition so far. It’s a bummer Rob seems like he’s so disinterested this time around. Last campaign he was the driving force, pumping up all the other players. I wonder what’s wrong.  
Todd seems poised to start another Targ war, I should do something to nip it in the bud. Perhaps give Todd a different primary character more interesting – give Tyrion a larger role?

 

* * *

 

From: George  
To: Rob  
You okay, man? You seemed quieter than usual last session. Which for your character is so far OoC it’s redic. Is there something wrong with the game? You know I’m always open to changes and criticism.

From: Rob  
To: George  
Meh, I’m kind of just here to see how the story turns out. I have an invested interest in the world. For me, my character has had his happy ending and now I’m just waiting for him to kick the bucket so I can wrap a bow on this. Your world is a blast, man. Don’t go changin’.

From: George  
To: Rob  
Okay. Well just know I’m here if you need to talk.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obisdian Portal is a website where you can make a wiki for your DnD game. I've been trying for 10 years to get my players to use it, but they never bite.

**Author's Note:**

> If you liked this story, go read The Tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo on the internets. It's very short and funny.


End file.
